tomorrow will mark my fourteenth day of being here in the city. i’m beginning to feel at ease in my own skin. i don’t love chicago, i don’t love my apartment, i don’t love the way of life here… yet. it will take some time getting used to- i'm fully aware of that. but i am amazed at the amount of potential lies within my fingertips. the city is alive. alive with hurting people, yearning for truth and love… alive with art, architecture, and history… alive with food and cultures from all over the world. my heart is open to falling in love with this place, and i can sense the city entertaining my thoughts from afar. little by little, it’s creeping itself into my being, and i’m allowing it. i want to love it here. i want to love the people here. i want my feet to feel free to roam and my hands to feel free to create.

long gone are the days of waking up 5 minutes before class, putting on a hoodie, and running to make it on time, only to find myself mindlessly taking notes and still getting an 'A'. these classes require you to do the reading beforehand, make quality contribution to the conversations, and ask valid questions to show interest and enthusiasm. this takes a considerable amount of concentration and focus, not to mention strength and courage to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. but this is the very thing that makes my heart feel alive, apart from the love of god and the action of serving another human being. this field of study is exactly what i was made for.

today, on the train, i found myself sitting by this middle-aged man that appeared pretty average in appearance- brown hair, black pants, briefcase. as soon as i turned to talk to him, he stood up in order to give his seat to an elderly woman who was stumbling down the aisle. the train was packed with people, who evidently didn’t notice her (as i didn’t, either, b/c i was focused on the man). as the woman took the space previously occupied by the gentleman, she muttered a breathless, “thank you” in an accent i couldn’t distinguish. this simple act by the man caught me off guard, and i found myself glancing around to see if anyone else noticed it. the thing is- no one looked up. no one was moved in their daily routines. nobody paid attention. they all seemed focused on their books, crosswords, and ipods. the man wasn’t thrown off, either, because he went back to doing his sudoku puzzle, even while standing in the middle of the crowded aisle with a briefcase in one hand, and a pen in the other. not only was i amazed at his startling balancing skills, i was encouraged at his humility. never once did his eyes dart around the crowded train to see if anyone was looking. this seemed “normal” for him. but friends, it isn’t. it just is not something you usually see- a stranger helping someone else who will probably never have the chance of paying back the kindness… or is it? am i too focused on my to-do lists and agendas and plans of not getting lost, in order to notice mere acts of kindness? or, more importantly, to see the people in need? to see with the very eyes of god and feel with his heart? am i too busy for that?

yesterday, a good friend surprised me and came to visit for the day. i hadn’t seen him since the day i left tennessee (august 16th), and i had no idea he was here until he called me with plans to meet within the next hour. it was so fun to be surprised! to see the face of someone i love so much, in a city of unfamiliarity, along with all the mental baggage i felt was loaded upon my back… was absolutely priceless. for just a few hours, i felt like i could breathe again. my mind felt free. my heart rejoiced. laughter came naturally. the thought that this city is going to get the best of me disappeared… and was replaced with the idea that this city has a lot to offer. and in return, i have things to bring to the table as well. good things. and i have a lot to learn. he will probably never understand how much his presence meant to me. how that memory will be forever engraved within me. but i do. 

paying for meals, giving seats to others, speaking truth, loving the unlovable, and being willing to act. i pray my life will consume more of this. 

tennessee orange
rednecks
rush week
the bible belt
traffic on the strip
paying way too much money for rent
walking uphill
the diehard passion for ut football
mullets
being the only non-soriority girl in my entire complex
the city shutting down at 9 pm
inconsiderate people who refused to clean up after themselves
frat boys
sperry's & khaki's
southern accents (well... certain kinds)
parking tickets from the golden roast
everything fried with gravy
the bazillion prompts when trying to call ut, and eventually when you think you've finally found someone helpful, you get hung up on

the mountains
painting w/ allison, jackson, & nathan
talks with josh about life
looking at sara in the eyes and knowing she understands
internet service in my apartment
capri
having all my stuff organized
knowing how to get places
sunrises and sunsets
lost parties at brooks & tyler's
driving 10 minutes to wal-mart or target or kroger
riverview park
sleeping in a bed
walking 2 buildings down to see hannah
ruf w/ lauren
stefano's after ruf
the stars
silence
chic-fil-a
the golden roast 
small group on monday's
art with my friends at redeemer
tomato head
truth tuesday's
vink's brownies & french toast
moe's w/ anne
16-hour shifts at work (ha!)
singing w/ nikki
crazy nights w/ rooms
settlers w/ my faves... even though i always lose
singing in my car at the top of my lungs
knowing i have the summer off

i only have 2-week breaks between terms. what was i thinking?! i don't know!!

this is as intimidating as making the first entry in a new journal. the pages crisp and new, the edges straight and clean, giving off the ever-so gentle scent of potential. possibility is in the air, my friends. and suddenly, every thought in my head crumbles. nothing sounds good enough to put down in print. as soon as it is released, it feels permanent. as if i can't get it back. with the fear of being misunderstood, i build up all these expectations in my head that everything that is said has to be perfect, neat, put-together, creative, and exact. 
i don't think my life is any more significant than those around me. but, i do believe that life in and of itself is important. so, i will attempt to capture the essence of life as it happens. in hints of conversation, glimpses of color, sights of love, and sounds of hearts breaking. this is one of my stones of remembrance: i want to remember what happens in and around me, and i desperately want to be changed because of it. 
to introduce myself, i am a small-town girl from missouri who recently moved to tennessee. i lived there for a year, fell in love with the mountains, and even more so with the people there. to look up and see the stars everyday, to gaze at the wondrous beauty of hills and trees and green, to hear the sounds of birds and crickets... simple signs of wonder. relationships were built and bridged, and all of them pushed me to do things that scare me. things like go to chicago and admit myself into grad school. which, as of two days ago, i attempted. and i am doing it. 
this coming tuesday marks the beginning of the next two years of my life: school. learning, studying, reading, creating, paper-writing, all-nighters, and lots of coffee-drinking. to say that i'm excited is an understatement, but to not mention nervous, apprehensive, and uncertain would be lying. am i going to fail? what if i get mugged? will i find a community of like-minded and like-hearted people? do i belong here? will the city get the best of me? is it ok to be separated from everyone i know and trust during what looks to be the most difficult two years of my life?
i don't have any answers... i rarely do. but, what i know for certain is that i'm not playing it safe. i'm jumping in head first. how i will land, i'm not sure.